I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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