The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
