There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
