Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
