i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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