Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
