i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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