i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
