OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
