I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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