Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
