if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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