I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
