I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
