you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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