you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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