he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
