i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
