Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize