Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
