and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
