Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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