I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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