I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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