There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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