I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
