I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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