I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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