Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
