And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
