the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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