dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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