wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize