why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
