i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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