guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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