I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize