I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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