Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
