mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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