u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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