Pants 0. Shit 1.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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