and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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