She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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