I hope mine doesn't look like that
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize