I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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