I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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