even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Small penises have feelings too.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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