Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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