So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
