I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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