i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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