So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just gift wrapped bread.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
