Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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