i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
