Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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