We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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