just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
