peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
