dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Randomize
