The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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