You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
