I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
