i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Bring me that man meat
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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